(dr) molly tov

bombs in bottles

Tesla is not your bro, bro

I'm writing a piece about Cybertruck recalls for a client this morning, and I cannot help but laugh - in that Ralph Wiggum meme way - at all the Tesla bros who assume that because they are Tesla's bro, Tesla is also their bro.

Nah, bruh. Tesla ain't your bro.

I'm not talking about the nine active NHTSA recalls for Cybertrucks right now, although those definitely exist and some of them are downright scary:

That's nine recalls, 3 investigations, and 47 complaints as of this morning, but who's counting? *dog in a burning room meme*

I'm talking about Tesla's other decidedly non-bro-like behavior.

your odometer be lyin', bruh

Tesla recently caught a class-action lawsuit claiming Tesla tampers with vehicle odometers to knock the vehicle out of warranty:

Hinton v. Tesla

Basically, the lawsuit claims that Tesla uses some weird energy-expenditure math to "calculate" how many miles Teslas drive. This math is often very far off the mark. We're talking dozens of "recorded" miles for every actual mile the vehicle travels. And this is happening even though Tesla can easily record precise miles driven using vehicles' onboard GPS systems, per the Complaint.

(Aside: Paragraph 19 of the Complaint is a petty delight.)

Consequently, drivers get told their Tesla is "out of warranty" because it's passed the 50,000-mile warranty cutoff. Except their Tesla hasn't actually driven 50,000 miles. Owners are thus on the hook for repair costs that should have been covered by the warranty.

But hey, don't want to pay for repair costs you shouldn't have to pay? Tesla's got you covered, bruh. Except in a rather un-bro-like way....

your vehicle is fine, bruh, shut up

Tesla has also been lying about the battery life of its vehicles. And when vehicle owners complain about this, Tesla lies to them about diagnostic results. Then Tesla cancels the vehicle owners' service appointment.

Then, at least in some offices, Tesla employees celebrate having lied their way out of providing service:

Reuters: Tesla created secret team to suppress thousands of driving range complaints

In some cases, it even appears that Tesla employees started lying about running the diagnostic *at all.* Your vehicle is fine, bruh, shut up.

But what do you expect? A true bro wouldn't have tried to trap you in a shitty arbitration agreement in the first place:

Forced arbitration in Tesla consumer contracts

Arbitration agreements are touted as a faster, cheaper alternative to trial. But they have some serious downsides for vehicle owners:

You are statistically more likely to lose in arbitration even if you have a valid case.
You're likely to get an insufficient award even if you win.
The results of arbitration are secret, so you have no way of knowing how many other people have gone through the same thing - and thus no way of knowing if you have a valid class action or another type of valid claim.
It's probably not actually cheaper, especially in states whose lemon laws require the automaker to pay your attorney's fees if you win (like California)

Tesla gives you 30 days to opt out of the arbitration clause, but this requires you to know it exists. Also, it's never been clear when the "thirty days" starts to run. Is it when you take delivery of the vehicle? When you sign the paperwork? When you express interest in buying a Tesla? How many licks does it take to get to the center of this arbitration agreement?

Look, bruh. If you want to put yourself inside a computer controlled by a private company and hurtle down the road at 70 mph, I cannot actually stop you:

https://pluralistic.net/2025/04/15/musklemons/

But please stop being this company's bro, bro. Stop having Tesla's back. Tesla sure as heck does not have yours.

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